About me.

I am 45 years old. And I like that number because it feels very even and middle and like I have earned it. I don't feel 45 but I know my kids think I act like I am because I can't stop calling my son our dogs name, Simba, and they have to constantly hear me telling them that screens will take over your life if you let them. I was born in Lewiston, Maine and still to this day when I get to go back there I feel connected to it...the rocky beaches and the cold water, the lobster, the beautiful, salty, crisp ocean air, the way people seem hard but also like they have earned the right to be a little harsh...like it's the harshness of the ocean there that has crisped them on the outside but underneath they are sunshine and the beautiful, fluid water and soft waves that just tap the rocks on a calm morning. I got to go back last summer (2023) with my dad and met some of my extended family. I will write more about that later.

I love butterflies and dogs...nice dogs and dogs that are funny. My kids and I watch videos of dogs on Saturday mornings snuggled in bed...or we used to before they started having sports. Now I guess we watch them on Saturday nights :) after all the sports...once we've showered and we crash after being totally exhausted from all the sports of the day. My dad and I send funny dog videos back and forth on Instagram. I think it's a love language, actually. It is the best medicine and just what I need during a stressful day at work or when things are just too much.

We moved to Missouri when I was 8 and I was in the third grade. I had Mrs. Ray and then Mrs. Funk and then Mrs. Ratchford as my elementary school teachers in Fenton, MO. I hated elementary school, well not the school part but the social part for sure. When we moved to St. Louis, it seemed like everyone had lived there forever and ever and like I was the outsider. I never really felt connected. I played sports and was very mediocre because I was shy and very scared most of the time. Despite my lack of confidence I could hit a softball and was moderately fast and got around the bases so I played a lot of pinch hitter. When I finally picked a college, I ended up deciding on Missouri State University which was Southwest Missouri State University in 1996 when I moved in to the Woods dorm with my BFF from growing up, Molly. I feel like that is when life started showing me glimpses of what it could be. I was only 17 when I moved into that dorm so I had a lot of growing up to do...and I don't think I really started growing up until I got divorced the first time...at the adult age of 26. It was a clean break and not to be taken lightly but I was scared of graduating and starting my life on my own so I think I got married instead. Finally, for the first time I was on my own and supporting myself and blowing money and staying up and out too late but working and getting my Master's degree and I was thrilled! I was loving the freedom and the excitement of making my own decisions. I took a promotion and moved to KC and had a boss that was miserable and made everyone around her pay for her misery so I decided it wasn't for me and moved back to Springfield. I had been dating a guy from there all along.

I got back and couldn't sell the condo I bought in KC in 2017 in the middle of the tragic recession for too much money so I moved in with him. The next thing I knew I was getting a mastectomy and we were getting married. My sweet blue eyed boy was born in 2011 and he stole my heart and still has it today. I don't know that anyone except my daughter shares it more or ever will. She gave me a surprise to find out I was pregnant...what they say is true...it only takes once. Since the marriage had been icy for about a year, she was the gem of life that found her way despite the ice storm. These two are the soul to my life. I love them with depth that I never understood was possible. I connect with them beyond any vibration that has ever existed in my life. They are breath to me. I cannot believe I was chosen to be with them in this life. But I thank God every day I was.

I am divorced twice now. And this time I knew I had to find out why. I have spent almost 9 years now unmarried and doing life as a single mom to these two beautiful souls I get to call mine.

I have had a lot I wanted to figure out. And although I made feeble attempts many times and through each heartache and tragedy that came and went, the past three years made me really pivot...until I finally found felicity. (Also one of my favorite TV shows that ever existed.) It has not at all been what I imagined and the learning has been harder than I ever thought possible. I finally learned after having my heart broken over and over again by men that think they're right about everything that it was me all along that I was avoiding, I wasn't protecting. I was trained up by our culture that makes us women think we have to just keep picking them up and putting everything back together again while we destroy ourselves inside and sometimes outside as well. This last heart break stopped my heart and punched me in the gut harder than anything ever in my life, but it finally let me see that it's not okay the way they treat us so they can keep believing they're god and stepping over us after they ravage us and then move on to the next victim. So, I have started writing about it and want to share it so that we can all see there is a better way...a way to use that pain and make a better path for ourselves, and most importantly for our kids.

I love my life so much right now. My mind is clear, my heart is strong. I am learning to dance (literally...I am taking dance lessons which I always wanted to do since I was like 5), I live in my favorite house I have ever lived in (and that is a story for another day), I am healthy and happy and have my two beautiful children to cuddle with at night and make memories with. They tell you that you have to be married to have it all...nah, you just need to find you and love her.

And, wow, now I feel pain and it still hurts and sucks and makes me cuss, but since I have seen all it can produce, I chase it now and sit in in and look for the light that shows up on the path every damn time showing me the part of me that comes through after the pain is done with me...and really when I am done with her...that bitch. There is a lot more about me. And I hope you'll take what you need and leave what you don't. This is me. And I like her, in fact, I really love her now. I hope you love you. And that is what I hope most for you.