Expectation and resentment

I keep reading this meme that says "Expectation is the source of resentment." Is it? Or is it the fact that our standards have been eroded so much and that any attempt to ask for better is met with answers from people with power and influence that tell us we are crazy to ask for better. And I am not talking about over idealized expectations, I am talking about basic things like for people in relationship to do what they say they are going to do. Accountability. Have we been suffering from a degradation of accountability that has left us with reduced standards and then given the people eroding our expectations the ability to keep going? I sure think this might be more of the source of my resentment than my expectations themselves.

We are taught to grow up and believe people, respect people. And so we do our best...we have our temper tantrums as kids because we want what we want and we don't understand that some things you just can't have when you want them. But, then we become adults. And the world is hard but we get the ability to make our own choices about what we do and how we do it without as much accountability. Things like spending our money, for example, or time, become luxurious items that we get full autonomy of except for the occasional responsibility that comes with owning a house or a car or needing utilities...those pesky monthly things that come in bills. But then, once those bills are paid, or mostly anyway, we get to decide what we do with what is left. And our money and time are probably the two places that our values show up the most. Enter kids. They steal all our money! And if you are like me, we complain about it a lot but really we love spending money on our kids. We get to make them happy! And when we use our time to show up and see the fruits of spending all our money on them make them happy, it can make us really happy too! A win-win.

The shared values that it seems we used to share do not seem to be so shared anymore. And that part is alright, I believe. To me, that indicates that there is room to improve, to grow, evolve, get better...together. But here is where it starts to get tricky...the differences of opinions on what is right in relation to these values. And enter expectations. Right now you can't go through a daily news cycle without seeing something, reading something about the polarization of our world. It's hurting us, killing us even. The polarization causes so much mental illness...we have become a bipolar society. Bipolar causes severe depression in it's prey and can cause crippling anxiety in anyone close to the person with bipolar because they care so much for that sick person but it is nearly impossible to offer help or support to a person that is delusional in thinking they are fine when they actually suffer from a debilitating disorder. They refuse help because the illness in their mind has convinced them that no one can be trusted, everyone is an enemy. And so, they go on hurting themselves and hurting others while refusing any help or treatment. Eerily similar to the world we live in.

As a person that has lived close to these situations on multiple occasions, I can tell you first hand how the disease is horrific to watch as it creates this suffering in a person you love and care for, but it also causes you to take on their pain in trying to help them causing immense suffering and loss of self in that role. It's horrific. But you keep trying until you have nearly lost yourself completely.

Expectations allow us a recalibration to a norm. Expectations can be too lofty and too idealistic but I would argue that for many of us people in the middle out there, like me and many of my closest friends, and even my not so closest friends, we are just looking to uphold the expectations that can get us to a place where we treat one another well again and take care of our own responsibilities, take accountability for our life...rather than the current state of having to walk out our front doors everyday wearing our full scale armor to protect from the ones holding power telling us one thing and doing another. And often that part that they are doing and not saying is the part that is wreaking havoc on us, causing trauma and causing us to have to wear all our armor...even for a walk around the block with the dog or to watch a tee ball game or pick up some groceries for dinner. It's like the sabotaging part has become so normal that it is like dodging the sun on a summer day in July.

I attended Think Summit last week here in Springfield and so many times there were themes from the presenters about mistrust, polarization, misunderstanding, etc. A plea if you will from so many that we find a better way...to relate, to communicate, to build back our culture and society on some shared values like trust, community, respect for one another's ability to see different sides of an issue. But none of this is possible if those of us like me just keep believing in the innate good and that it will all work out someday. Nor does it work for those on the opposite end of the spectrum that seek to protect themselves and defend at all costs, seek to protect their power in any given situation no matter the cost. This is just not going to work. It's getting us nowhere. We have to find better ways to deal with our differences. And that doesn't mean that when someone says or does something you don't like you use abusive tactics like the silent treatment, manipulate others to see the other person as the enemy, call one another names like "crazy" or worse. These are the things that happen daily, maybe even hourly in our culture right now. And don't worry, I have been guilty. But, for the ones like me that are asking for things to evolve and asking for those holding power to engage, we can't do it without you. For those of us asking for a recalibration by upping our game...it's not because our expectations are "too high" or "too much" it's because we know that it is possible to get back to that norm...but we have to have you stop telling us we're stupid for trying. I have been subject to and still am today to this type of behavior as I have asked for better on many different occasions. Sometimes it has been at work, some has been at home, some has been with pivotal relationships that have been a significant part of mine and my kids life. And when you are met with the return to an ask of the basics of treating one another well with the return of things like the silent treatment or even worse abuse, it takes a toll. The toll is that the degradation continues and our polarization gets worse and we do nothing to change the trajectory. We see it everyday in politics. One side has to "out power" the other. They don't sit down and relate. They imbue tactics to control the other side to get what they want not really caring at all for the collateral damage they create. The collateral is this mental health crisis we are in and can't seem to stop digging a deeper hole by the day. Things that perpetuate it...the lies that create manipulation, the scoffing at the thought or hope of things getting better, the dismissal of new information or alternative ways as if the disaster in these state houses across the country and in our state too should be lauded as the only way to do things. It's no wonder people don't trust government, don't care about politics or engage by voting any longer. You can't get straight answers...you get told one thing and another is done. When do we do what we say and say what we do? What they say in public is not what they do in private. And I know because I have been witness to and even victim of the bullshit my very self. I could go on and on about that but nothing gets better by living in the past. It only gets better if we start doing better. And by doing better, it does mean we are going to have to get uncomfortable...we are going to have to get used to what it feels like to not always have the advantage in the power play.

Issues in politics called "purple issues" represent situations where both the red and blue come together. An example would be issues for kids healthcare. There is usually bipartisan agreement that it is important to make sure that kids have the healthcare they need and so everyone comes together and works across the aisle to make things happen. This is true of mental health right now. Politicians on both sides of the aisle understand and see the need to work together to improve mental health in our society. And so you will see efforts to bridge on this issue which in my opinion is always a good thing. But, we have to see this also become a personal issue too. How can you say mental health is important, or say that all children are important to you as a leader and then abuse children and/or their mother? It doesn't work that way. You can't separate the two. It's all connected. And if you are not able to find a way within your own self or on your own accord to stop hurting and abusing people close to you, it is time to get help much like you are telling others to do or you are creating funding streams to send out for everyone else to get help. These issues won't be solved by helping everyone else. The help has to be taken for those in the power positions creating the solutions...otherwise it will all continue like it is...with a bipolarization of our society created by the bipolar diagnoses that go undetected, untreated and sabotaging the leader himself and those around him. What's personal is cultural and what's cultural must become personal in order to truly affect change.

So maybe a rephrasing of that meme that talks about expectations as the devil should be changed to push back on the acceptance of bullshit being the root of resentment we feel and have come to carry with us lately. And maybe those of us with a few ideas about expectations to recalibrate should not be erased but engaged because of the hope we carry. And don't worry, when we are asked nicely, we usually always would love to share our hope. After all, the way things are is no way to keep going.