The struggle is real...and also productive

When my son was born, my first child, I labored for a long time. The didn’t tell me for a while that his cord was wrapped around his neck several times. When they finally told me, they were nervous. I could sense it and I started to get nervous too. I didn’t know what to do, what this meant. I did know I was exhausted and once they broke this news to me, they also told me I was going to have to work harder. Not what I wanted to hear. It felt like that time when I ran a marathon and when I got to mile 20 and some guy in the crowd yelled “you only have a 10k left, keep going”! Not what I wanted to hear. Not motivating because I was exhausted, and six more miles was just painful to think about. But now I was hearing a similar story…you’re exhausted but you must keep going. It’s going to get harder before it gets easier. Ain’t that the truth. So, I did. I dug deep and I struggled through. And then he was here. And he was quiet. No cry. And they rushed him away from me. I could see him across the room. He was blue. And all I wanted to do was hold him. But I was paralyzed by exhaustion and some strong nerve blocks. They worked on him and quickly he started to breathe normally. It was actually a miraculous recovery. I remember the medical people in the room telling us they may have to take him back to get oxygen but he started coming around so quickly once the cord was removed that his color returned to pink in a matter of minutes. And then he cried. His cry pierced the silence. And we all cried. And then they laid him in my arms and our eyes met. A moment I will remember as clear as any picture I have framed and look at on the wall of my home. It was life. It was love. It was connection on steroids. My heart leapt. All was well.

The struggle is real. It seems to be dominating a lot of our lives, our headlines right now. The fighting, the divisiveness, the polarization. Struggle, all of it. I don’t like it either. Its uncomfortable, hard, stressful. We humans are wired for and have this tendency to seek comfort, contentment, equilibrium. It feels good that way. It’s peaceful that way. And yet, we can’t seem to find our way back to it right now. I’ve learned that in life there are always two sides to everything. And when we can’t change something, I have been learning to try to look for the other side of the story. The other side of this struggle story could be that this struggle is meant to be right now. Perhaps it’s here for a reason. And since we all can’t control it by just being kind enough or winning or being right enough to solve all the problems, it might be best to stop trying so hard to wish it away or overpower it with fake niceness and embrace the struggle. I am coming around to see that the struggle could be a beginning, possibility. That first cry after being born, it’s full of pain, struggle that comes from the loss of comfort, the feeling of change, the unknown. But that cry is full of life. It’s the sign that all is well. It’s silence that scares us after birth. Silence in this situation tells us there is something wrong. When a baby is silent after birth, people jump in to rescue, to restore breath, to help. And all they are working toward is that glorious scream. And once that scream is heard, relief, immediately. After the scream, peace often follows when that baby finds comfort and adjustment to their new surroundings.

Perhaps the war that wages among us is not against one another. Perhaps despite how it looks out in the world right now it’s less about the fight against one another and more about a fight against an old culture, an old way that does not serve us anymore in the way that it has for generations. Perhaps we are all saying we want better. We don’t understand one another and we are missing each other in the way we are asking for what we want. Our arguments devolve into a war that appears to be against one other. I have seen as I sit back and observe, so much of what is being said, so often the basis of the arguing is actually a plea for the same things, said in very different ways. The paths that people are convinced are the only way are actually running parallel to one another but headed in the same direction. What is not said amongst all the yelling and fighting is perhaps what matters most. The undercurrents seem to be aiming in the same direction. For example, some of us say we don’t want to leave our children with the debt we are creating, others of us say we want our kids to have every opportunity to thrive, to get the education they need and not be buried by the debt they incur from that. At the heart of both arguments are our children, the most important thing to all of us. But both arguments are a fight for them, not against one another. While we have been trying so hard to prove our point, we have missed the very point.

This old way has produced societies and governments and technology and structure and comforts and experiences we all love and thrive from. But everything has a cost and the question is what has been lost as we have built so much we have come to love. There is always a cost. In creating something, building something, it is the most difficult task to anticipate every outcome, to predict the future and how construction will affect the environment. While the growth of industry and business and enterprise have been prioritized, and while we have created great empires, the cost has often been our humanness…our health, our minds, our souls, connection, community. Our humanity has been sacrificed because we have learned to ignore or neglect ourselves in an attempt to keep up with our priorities of always achieving more, finding ways to prove we are right, to “win”. Winning has become the dominant pursuit. Winning is great but not when it leaves us empty and depleted and living in survival just to win. What are we really winning when the expense is our bodies, our minds, our souls, or the ones we love and care about the most? I would argue winning is not all it’s chalked up to be.

This old way has given us so much but it has also stolen from us. The old way of doing things that has created much good has used order and control to gain power, compliance. The use of these tools has been limited to small groups of people that at times use these tools effectively but have also been programmed to feel the obligation of this responsibility to maintain order. Obligation crushes our internal voice, the truth we need. That voice inside us all has been suppressed so that we might get good at the game of lies and winning by meeting the needs of others at an expense of neglecting ourselves. That voice inside is where the truth in us lives, it is where our inspiration comes from and our ability to connect with others ignites. The practices we use and have become so accustomed to suppress that voice in the name of control, order. Culture has cursed people for questioning, for expressing dissension and exploring the possibility of operating in alternative ways. The product is often a great deal of shame and fear that leave us all feeling worthless, powerless and hopeless. It’s no wonder we are suffering from an epidemic of deaths of despair. Despair is gripping us and telling us the lies that we keep allowing to prevail. Lies like nothing can be done, that we have to comply with culture, fit in, please others to get things done, that we have to behave to be trusted, that we can’t shake things up with some truth every once in a while, that we have to keep playing the games and eventually something will settle down. In fact, I don’t believe any of it. Because all of it is a lie. The truth is missing in this equation and the narrative that prevails lately.

If we want a new way, if we want to bridge this divide, fight less, connect more, win less but find solutions more, stop treating one another poorly and relate to one another better, it’s time we start valuing the truth more than our comfort. And this has to start with ourselves…aninside game. The lies will keep us silent and in this case silence means we all just keep fighting and suffering. The lies tell us there is no hope for resolution that we just have to keep screaming and yelling and fighting until we win. The truth remains and is often times quiet and calm and waits for us to stop struggling. And then she stands up and shows us the way. She isn’t boastful, she isn’t angry, or bitter or full of rage. She is secure and wins because she shows us a way forward that gains attention and success because we can all feel the impact of the understanding she brings. We feel it because truth is filled with hope, it gives us goose bumps and creates connection and shows us a path out of our struggle to a new way of creating wins…a way that inspires and drowns out despair. That is what leads us out of the struggle and soothes our cry as we begin again…find new ways of relating, find new ways to create, to love, to relate, to connect. It’s the truth that takes us home.