Toy volcanos and TV shows

My daughter was 6 when the pandemic began. She was in kindergarten. She was so little. So cute and sassy and hilarious! She went on spring break and then never went back and for a long time she didn’t understand that spring break was a break and not the end of school. We made it through summer by spending a lot of time outside and at the pool…in shifts because that was before we knew if you could still catch this virus at the pool, outside. In the fall, spring break finally ended with a hybrid option and we chose that. I set up space in the bonus room of our house upstairs with three desks…one for me to work from home while they could sit and do school at home on the days they weren’t in their building. I think that worked for about five minutes of one day. The rest of their school was done on an iPad on the couch in front of the tv or in other strange places in the house…mostly at the dining room table. As it got colder outside and winter was getting close, I dreaded the shift that I knew was coming which was that outside would be less available with the cold and the darkness. So we tried to shift toward indoor activities. She had gotten a volcano experiment toy set for her birthday from a friend that fall. It was really cool and then one day she decided she wanted to try it. It seemed educational and like a good way to spend some time so I agreed. Her brother was interested too. I was in between meetings and trying to help get out the supplies they needed and also stay on top of zoom meetings that covered my calendar like the swaddle you wrap around a new born when you first bring them home. I went back upstairs to be more present with work and asked my 6 year old and 8 year old to please be careful with the mess and clean it up when they got done. I got a few more work things done and went back downstairs to make dinner. The dining room table never cleared from school now had the makings of these brilliant scientists minds at work and was covered from one end to the other with chrome books and papers to baking soda and food coloring and instruction pamphlets that no one was reading dripping off on to the floor. I took one look and asked them to clean it up while I got dinner ready. I got dinner fixed in between responding to texts and checking back in with my life for the two minutes I could find to give myself in those days. And when dinner was ready the table was still a disaster. We ate in the living room on the couch on the coffee table as we had done a lot during that year and to avoid the mess. And then while I went to clean up dinner I asked again that my mad scientists not make me mad and clean up the volcano. Finally I was done in the kitchen and ready to take a five minute break and sit down and check out for a minute and I rounded the corner and nothing in the dining room laboratory had moved. And that is when I split. I lost my mind. It came from somewhere inside me that hovers mostly but rarely is touched but in that moment after that much time inside and the mess all around that I could not escape, I lost my mind. The first things out of my mouth in that moment caught the attention of both of them instantly. And their eyes got wide. And I unleashed. I sent them both to their rooms crying and told them they would need to get ready for bed because that is where they were headed immediately and how if they could not listen and do what they were asked then this is how hard it was going to be. I made them cry because by this time I was crying and I was not about to cry alone. Everything was a mess. And I was barely holding anything together…or so I thought. I think now on the other side I was actually doing just fine, but in that moment, nothing was alright. I followed them into their rooms and my daughter spoke back to me…oh the audacity. And that was the nail in my coffin that day. I was done. I yelled a couple more dumb things about them not cleaning up after themselves enough and then I went to my room and sobbed. I cried and cried because I felt so alone and like I was failing at everything and now the cherry on top was that I had just lost my mind over a toy volcano…oh the irony.

Survival mode…you know how everyone talks about living their “best life” now? Well survival mode makes you live the exact opposite…your worst life. That’s where I was that day and for most of the three years I spent in the middle of a pandemic as an Assitant Director and then a Director of a health department. My worst self showing up to unleash my rage about everything happening outside of me that I had no control over and doing nothing to nurture my inside which was the only thing I could actually control. In survival mode I could only see that the volcano in the dining room turned chem lab was the problem, not that my thoughts were out of control and were dictating the space and emotion inside my head making my mind spin endlessly. I could not see that I was choosing old bad habits that were keeping me stuck in these thought patterns and making me miserable. I thought there were a million problems to fix outside of me and that none of it had anything to do with the anxiety and depression I was creating and allowing to take up space inside me. It made me lose myself. It made me lash out on these two precious souls that were the only reason my life was holding light and hope during that year. All the while everything in my world had become so overwhelming and out of control but I was going to keep trying, at my own expense, to avoid myself and keep endlessly trying to figure out how to put it all back together. After all, it was my job to fix COVID, be an amazing single mom, daughter, girlfriend, friend, sister, etc. Now I can see from the other side that it was impossible. All of it. And none of it was my job. But in that moment I kept thinking if I could just do one more thing, if I was magical enough, powerful enough, I could make it all work. Ha.

One beautiful, clear day in that same winter during the pandemic I caught this fish after spending the day making the biggest Christmas wreath you’ve ever seen. It was beautiful and lit up against the sky after the sunset that night bringing tears to my eyes that there was still such beauty and magic out there in connection and nature and the gift of a beautiful day outside. I can feel how good this day felt when I look at this picture.

That is the power in our thoughts…our mind. Our minds produce our thoughts. And although we can’t control the thoughts our minds produce, we can learn how to watch our thoughts as if they are a tv show. And just like we get to choose the tv shows we watch, we get to choose the thoughts we will take and those we will keep clicking past. The day of the volcano I was choosing all the wrong thoughts. I was choosing to believe that mess in the dining room said something about my ability to be a mom. It didn’t. I was choosing to hold on to the stress from my meetings that day instead of just sitting down with my kids to hear what they learned about experimenting with a volcano. Those thoughts kept me wrapped up in a virus that was out of control but enticed me to think there was something I was going to do about it by making sure my house was clean when we went to bed that night. Well, spoiler…it didn’t. And I didn’t win the war on the virus that night either. What I did lose is precious moments with my kids. I’ve lost too many precious moments with my kids because I was wrapped up in thinking I was going to make something of life that I never was going to make of it…because I never was in control of it, never. And being in survival mode didn’t make it any better. It only made me worse. And I passed my worse on to the ones I love the most. Isn’t that how it goes sometimes. But I’ll tell you what, I’ve been given this gift of seeing life on the other side of survival…where I’ve gotten some perspective.

Survival mode is a state we end up living in when we believe the lie that we can control our lives, control life much at all. In my experience life really doesn’t like to be controlled so the harder you try, the harder she kicks back. She kicks so hard you end up crying in your bed after you’ve just yelled at your children for not cleaning up a volcano. There is a better way. And I promise life brings good whether we think we control it or not. The better way is to just accept it and find ways to allow it to come, choose our thoughts so that we aren’t defined by some crappy show we happened to land on and then keep going and look for the next day where you get to connect with your favorite people in the world, watch a sunset, catch a fish and share a big hug. Life is all of it. And the volcano messes keep coming…we can’t control them. So we have to find a better way to live with those moments and not let them control us. The only way through the hard stuff is to accept the good and the bad of it and take such good care of yourself that you learn the skills of picking the best in show of all the thoughts that show up in your mind for you to see. It’s a never ending path. But the days like this one where I caught this fish help us know what’s possible and how good it all can feel. I hope you watch the shows today and choose the best ones for you…the ones that remind you how wonderful and brilliant you are. And that you keep finding ways to choose those thoughts over and over again. And if you need one, I’m happy to lend some.

Happy Tuesday friends! Here’s to volcano messes and good thoughts. ❤️